Monday, August 6, 2012
Adventures in Amoure
This morning I awoke feeling deeply grounded in serene peacefulness. I had finally arrived in a centered state after a month of running from space to space soaking up as many new experiences as I could handle. Madison left on July 1 for a summer in Ontario with her family and loved ones - freeing up space for me to explore what a life led on pure impulse might look like. No schedules, routines, meal times or regular responsibilties to manage - just a pure what does Erica need in this moment? adventure. I was faced with a smorgasboard of possibility that I just may have been a wee bit unprepared to handle. Or perhaps I had all the preparation i needed and am just coming face to face with the deeper truths of who I am now and who I used to be. We can make so many excuses for our resistance by hiding the truths within the prgamatic obstacles until the obstacles are all removed and all that lies ahead is a clear path. My first excursion was to do some travelling on the sunshine coast with the fire breathing mermaid. She was to be my guide on a psychadelic mushroom trip alongside the pacific ocean and a circle of stones. I needed to re-visit this aspect of my youth which at the time was born of a place of escape. How would this medicine affect me at this stage of my shamanic journey - would the universe's wonders reveal themselves to me in an astounding mystery? Would i lose control over every aspect of my existence? I was surprised to find that many things had changed since 18. Although the medicine still pounced through my veins opening me up to a world of experience not usually accessible in the sober mind, there was still a part of my brain that existed as a watcher - watching, peering, keeping watch like a watchguard ensuring everything remained copasetic. The days I had spent with the fire breathing mermaid had reminded me of the days I had spent with cosmic. There was a familiar magical light in the air and a multiplicity of being transitioning different faces and ways of being through her everyday movements - where two aspects of self that may be in direct conflict with the other are existing within moments of eachother. There is a beauty to watching these states move through a person, so unique and unusual in their own right and special and magical all in one. It was this very quality that often made me doubt Cosmic's integrity in her actions and statements of truth. Yet as both of these lovely women were born under the Aries astrological alignments - I couldn't help but wonder if this fluid embodiment of self was indeed a characteristic of this sign. I wondered how much the mermaid would indeed teach me about the hidden truths i was still searching for in understanding and making sense of the whirlwind of a love affair that cosmic and i experienced. I knew walking away from cosmic that i had sorted, sifted and organized as much understanding as I was capable of and that new life experiences would need to be walked through for the lessons to arrive that this relationship was intended to impart. In amongst her multiplicity of being, mermaid woman began chanelling the wisdom of the old ones while astutely stoking the fire and reclaiming her fire keeping medicine. As she spoke, the forest was silent and her prescence shot deeply into my heart. There was a familiarity about her, a knowing that i knew this woman from a deeper place in time - or was it just the ways she reminded me of cosmic? Half of her face lit by the firelight, a serpent of desire began to arise within me, but I knew I could not go acting on it. It is these connections that require a high level of respect in their approach, a surveillance of the wounds and strengths embodied with the other that inform the places in which you can move reverently as opposed to just playing the game. Mermaid woman is a potent elixir of strength and empowerement, that seems to seep magic out to all that know her but underneath that solid rock is a fragile glass blown with hidden wounds. When we arrived at the beach the next morning and made camp for our psychadelic adventures into the underworld - I was grateful that she had agreed to accompany me on this journey. Aside from our recent meeting, that old familiarity guaranteed a safety that seemed to assist me to trust the mystery that was before us. Her friend the green man joined us in our preparations, we set camp, smudged and set the intentions for a strong journey and down the rabbit hole we went. We wandered the beach, melded with the stones and listened to the bliss of the ocean, scorched underneath a hot summer sun. I looked over at her sitting on the rock beside me, and before me an ocean of vulnerability made itself known. The vulnerability spoke to me of a woman that was strong because she always needed to be. A story I knew well. There was no soft spot for her to land - I wanted to offer her that, I wanted to be the safe space for her to fall in those moments. I told her what I saw, she casually let my observation evaporate into mid air and turned the conversation around on me. I was embarrassed about my move into that level of intimacy and instead gave her the power to care for me in those moments - it was what she needed to feel safe. I was drawn to the idea of lying in a pile of wood chips and at once began feeling as if i were the roots of a tree merged deeply with the earth. Mermaid woman stood over me peering into the shade with a wild red sun blazing behind her. She began moving the extremeties of my body conciously and with intention, verbally leading me into a journey of letting go - placing each loose extremity in a specific order. With my eyes closed, a kaliedescope of color began swirling sacred geometry. The faces of old ones began floating in and out - not so dissimilar to the visits of the old ones I first saw in my my very first sweat lodge. The ancestors are speaking to you she said. I had completely given myself over to her...with an ease Cosmic never knew. Cosmic was the catalyst for uncovering my issues with intimacy, as was the dude in showing me the dissassociation i held in my body where the union of sacred sexuality was concerned. I wanted to give to this mermaid woman but there was no opportunity to do so without it rooting from an empty place. It was this time that her walls were too strong...if that bridge were ever crossed it would take a strong solid foundation. My desire for her came from a place of deep love and compassion, wanting to cradle the space this woman needed to let all that was inside of her go. As our psychadelic journey came to a close and ordinary reality began to seep back in - mermaid woman discovered that she needed a cave to retreat to, to slowly collect the peices of herself. I called my shamanic sister in a town nearby to see if her cave was available. "I appreciate what you've done, the parts of me that you have called out, but im super overwhelmed now" mermaid women said to me on our drive over. There was that medicine that I carried appearing again - the reason Cosmic called me Hurricane. I know it as a usual way of being - something that happens in translation of which I don't come in with a concious intention to produce - but what always leaves the other feeling intensely broken open. I often wonder how much this experience stands in the way of keeping people close. Not unlike Cosmic, mermaid woman was on an adventure of self exploration, curiosity, and pushing boundaries of doors that weren't open to her before. Not unlike cosmic, I was intensely drawn into her and felt a deep rooted connection to her soul. Not unlike Cosmic, I knew although desire riveted through my veins, I had no choice but to take my station on the outskirts until her playful discoveries were done.