Monday, August 6, 2012
Adventures in Amore Part Duex
It was not long after this journey began, that Cosmic and I had finally come up against the same old wall we met with last year - where despite all our best efforts we could not find a unifying strand to hold our different juxtapositions together. We were in different places in our journeys, yet in many ways also in the same places - just places we found we could no longer travel together. She was looking to explore, I was looking to have my deeper relational needs met..with much struggle and a lot of grief we parted ways and left any depiction of a possible reunion of any sort directed by the gods of fate. I think in many ways though so much of her show up in this journey I am currently on. As if my journey into these very new territories also help answer questions that initially arose in our relationship of where there was no context for at the time and now there is a re-examining occuring at exactly the same time as i travel foreign soil. Perhaps also there is an integration of the things she catalyzed within me that in their emergence i had no way to explore them because the safety wasn't yet there as is common with any new birth breaking through what was un-bithed skin. The next time I wound up with Firespinner and Wyldewoman it was a much smaller crowd and a very different scene. It was the first opportunity I had to get to see them as people rather than animated erotic boundary pushers. Nope here they were ordinary people. When wylde woman and I finally got to steal some alone time in the hot tub. In our naked comfort i began to ask her questions about what an open relationship meant to her. It was about love she said. About a universal love and a growth in engaging diverse sexual explorations from this foundation of universal love. This love though, she explained, was not to be confused with the kind of emotional love that happened between two people in relationship. No, that kind of love needed to stay between two people in relationship, but the sex and the adventures with other people - well that helped them grow, it helped them share and it helped them grow. I was uncomfortable with her limitation of love to the two primary people in relationship and although theoretically pointed out to be shared with others, hear and understand a clear differentiation about what form of love would be extended to the others involved in play. I asked her to speak more about this - so i could clearly identify the context from which she was speaking. "You know, firespinner should only be there for the other women should he really want to be there" and "his primary responsibility is here at our home and within our family". My hesitation about this budding relationship began to grow. I was looking for a relational exploration that was grounded in reverance and deep intimacy and intimacy for me couldn't be isolated and compartmentalized into behaviors that only took place in the bedroom. Upon further conversation, it appeared that wyldewoman was only clearly trying to define the boundaries between her relationship with firespinner and the rest of the world that they brushed shoulders against but at the same time i was beginning to see that although there was something ineffably mysterious about these two, getting lost in the adolescent abyss firespinner seemed to infect me with may not be the wisest of all wise decisions. While our conversations about love and family in the context of open relationships continued Wylde woman handed me the book "The Ethical Slut". The book firespinner referred to as the bible of open relationships which for me was the beginning glimpses into a extraordinary way of relating. It was a breath of fresh air into what felt like finding my way home - a finite explanation of and bringing together of conflicts i had been trying to express but lacked the language for. A road map of a different way - one that had the freedom of open concious exploration of the self in relation to the mulit-dimensional nature of others, the reverance of deep honor, ethics and respect, the comfort and safety of deep intimacy and the spiritual compliments of deep community love, understanding, acceptance and support. It was called "polyamoury".