Monday, August 6, 2012
Adventures in Amore Part One
In mid-winter, internet dating searches brought me to a page of another likeminded soul residing in the fraser valley. His profile was creative, expressive, contemplative and enticing - the first of his kind for me to come across in this region. He was "not single - not looking" - which only made me more curious having just been recently initiated by Cosmic into the world, or under-world, depending on how you look at it, of "open-relationships". It turns out he was married, they did indeed have an open relationship, but all my enquiries into the parameters of this open relationship were met with grey promises of being shown how this works. I was excited by the lead into the mystery and the lack of control I was asked to maintain over the exploration...like a hand leading me blindly into the dark. My curiosity brought me to his homefront for his 33rd birthday where I for the first time came face to face with his wife. My approach was awkward and uncomfortable, this was breaking new ground and i still had so little ground rules to play by. With firespinner as un-communicative as he was the only default i had to fall back on was the great art of experience and observation. "Hello random stranger at my door" the wyldwoman announced when i apprehensively approached the door. She was drop dead gorgoeous, playful and creative in her appearance with the grounding and physique that only a yoga and meditation instructor would have. I wondered what else Firespinner could be looking for with a wife that was like that. She was welcoming and inviting despite how awkward it felt to be introduced to a woman as her husbands date. As sausages were cooked over an open fire, people continued to filter in of all different ages and stations in life. Some were drinking, some were hot tubbing, some were gathered round the fire. Firespinner asked me if I had yet made it out to see the barn, asking if I was interested in taking a walk down there. Adolescent crush girl returned - overjoyed at the prospect. Walking to the barn, i felt like i could breathe again away from the crowd and not needing to worry about attempting to balance the awkwardness. That i was here at this party crushing on this dude that was married and whose wife was right beside me - while i anxiously worried about how often or normal it was for her hot husband to bring women home. The competetive history i had maintained with Cosmic's husband and the residing of ourselves in different corners had come nowhere near the geography of this place. Once in the barn, firespinner bent me over the ladder and the make out session had begun. We played passionately for 45 minutes or so before reaching a climatic close. My legs were jelly, my senses overstimulated and the ecstacy of adventures into foreign territory at an all time high. We wandered back to the party as if nothing had ever happened...returning to a hot tub full of naked others. The wyldwoman was among them. "How was the barn" she asked us upon our return - eyeing us both for evidence of what had gone on. "Great" firespinner responded. She seemed happy for us. My monogamous mind was going off on full swing. The part of me that saw non-monogamy as betrayal was swarming with guilt seeding thoughts of shame and self-loathing while the part of me in touch with the reality of the situation tried to reason with myself in realizing that no ethics were being broken here. Firespinner and I jaunted into the house to undress and ready ourselves for the hut tub. Was i really going to go naked with a hot tub full of strangers? Firespinner told me it was okay if i wore a suit - if it made me feel more comfortable but i couldnt imagine something making me stand out more. I dumped the clothes and got ready for the big plunge. On our way out the door he stopped for a minute - to suck on my nipple in front of the large window looking onto the hot tub. I was feeling liberated by this freedom of expression and open exploration. Where on earth had I landed? Naked and nestled in the hot tub I watched curiously what was going on around me. I sat between two men, one that continued to attempt to put his hand on my knee though his wife sat across from me. Had i wound up at a swingers party? Fire spinner sat between this man and his wife and seemed rather flirtatious with her. Conversations went on about music, sex, politics, spirituality, community and creativity. The wife sitting across from the man beside me left and went into the house - not long after followed by firespinner. Her husband, the man whose hands i kept trying to pry off of me was sitting in the middle of the hot tub now with his left hand outstretched towards the wylde woman. "hey now" she muttered to him "I told you - if your going to rub it you need to pet it gently like a kitten". Alright - my senses were officially on overload. Where was i and where had i landed? I got up, retrieved my towel, and went into the house looking for a bathroom. Someone was in it - I waited. Ten minutes later out came Firespinner and hot tub mans wife. Okay, I had officially landed in a swinger's party despite the idea that I had no idea walking into it. My shell of reverance for sexuality had been penetrated. My unhealed defense mechanisms against the fluid sharing of sex were activated and my nervous system was on overload. With no capacity to process and make meaning from what i surprisingly walked into - I decided to go to bed before planning an escape in the wee dawn hours - but not before mitigating another 4 requests from hot tub dude to join he and his wife upstairs. And it is from this place that the active adventures in amore began to take a place. The bloom of the healing i had done all year with the starfish medicine leading to an opening of the heart. No beginning journey into the outer explorations of this healing could happen without re-visiting relationship structures, new ways of being and an intertwined enquiry of sex, love and relationship.