When i first read Clarissa Pinkola-Este's book "Women who run with wolves", I was first introduced to the concept of dark man dreams. In her book Clarissa explains the connection between Dark man dreams ie nightmares and different aspects of the women's soul that is continuing to be held in captivity. I had a hard time re-collecting these dreams in my memory, yet sure enough in this space of my life i am visited by them often. My teacher of the White Bone has asked that we keep a living record of these dreams, alongside our journeys in the other worlds, and their weaving reality within our waking dream. So this will be the first entry in which i attempt to do so.
I have been haunted by an ebbing of lonlineness as of late manifested as a longing to finally partner again with someone cut from a similar cloth. I fear regularly, given my past experiences in relationships and my continued sense of alienation from the world that this may never happen for me. Sometimes these fears make their ways deep into the tunnels within me as different thoughts of self-destruction ie how i'm not loveable enough or desireable enough, or maybe losing my mind. At the heart of things however i know this isn't true. I know myself to be a special breed, special yet not ordinary, i like to think of myself if you were studying a statistical map as an outlier far off on the corner of the page. I spent the great majority of my life trying to re-make this outlier within me, to re-shape it, cover it in different jewels and materials, make it consistent with homogenous boxes. All of these attempts were miserable failures. I mean i did find love yes, and at times feel like i loved quite intensly, but wheteher i was ever really truly loved back is an entirely different question all together, how could i have really been loved for who i was when the make i had been portraying was not really me at all.
To date, i refuse to modify this collage of parts, some less neat, some well ordered, some chaotic and creative, some interesting and well rounded, some dysfunctional, some functional, because all of these parts are indeed me. Some of them are in need of a little shining, a little healing or working through, but none the less they are mine and gifted to me for a reason that i have yet to seen through, so my days of pretending they arent there, or sacraficing them for a larger investment ie attempting to find love have indeed ended. Addditionally, as i continue to uncover, embrace and explore all these different parts of myself, i find my margins of acceptance for acquiring a romantic partner to become slimmer. I am not interested, nor passionate or inquisitive about those others who wear false faces and fit within boxes, i wish to find another who resembles some of those mis matched parts of me, but also has their own unique embroidery to their own quilt, lives with their own questions that the continue to deepen within themselves and see through in the world that surrounds them. We are a different breed, not found everywhere and sometimes well disguised, so i imagine it will be some time before i fall into that experience. Patience would be fine, if the fears didnt consistently creep, the questions around if im aging too quickly, or if i will lose my youthfullness before the person arrives, will it be too late for me to have a baby? So within these questions, sometimes a sense of desperation arises, at times with an energy so great it's hard to not follow it through, but of course the desperation doesnt take me any closer to what im looking for, for its appearance is a sure thing that the sacaraficial lamb is alive and well and looking for it's slaughter.
All of these energies visited me last night, as i continued to also question a connection i had with one of these vibrant men a few years back who does his best to avoid contact with me. I wondered if he actually did in fact hate me or have some great disdain, rather than come from a place of protecting his vulnerable heart as he had said so many years ago. Most of all i wondered what in me thoguht it was okay to continue to set myself up for this rejection...please notice me...please forgive me...please see that i too am good. If i was strong and self assured wouldnt i infact say "well if you cant see me or want to value me, i will collect my energies from here and move on, should you ever get the need to re-visit this, surely i will hear from you". Likely a compounded trigger..
And so while i wrestled with these energies last night, i prayed to the spirit world for some sense of resolution. As my eyes lay closed and my body slowly drifted to the dream world, i called out for a healing dream..."Send me a healing dream so that i can be at peace with my relationships...". The dark man visited.
The Dark Man Dream
Claire and I were in a fairly large house. I called it my grandmother's house, although it certainly wasnt my lviing grandmother's and it had some resemblances to my fathers house in the way that the doors and locks appeared, but it certainly wasn't his either. A group of young men in their late teens to early twenties had picked this house to break into and hold a group of young people captive. For noe it was only claire and i. I'm also nto sure how i knew this crowd was among us, I did know however that i needed to lock the doors, call 911 and grab my "grandmother's" rifle. My first attempt to safety was to call 911 as i asked claire to run downstairs and lock the side door. The phone wasn't working, there was a dial tone, but the numbers wouldnt dial. I ran to an upstairs bedroom and pulled an old phone out, by the time i had it int he wall, it had become clear the phonelines were cut. We had managed to lock the doors but the intruders came in through the garage, how exactly i wasn't clear. There must have been at least 10-15 intruders, they were all really young, soem male, some female, all dressed in black. I had the rifle behind my back, but before they sited it was able to ascertain it was of no use to me. I'm not sure if it had rusted out, or if bullets were lacking, either way it would nto be an aid in this fight, i inconspicuously placed it behind the couch in the rec room. When they made their way in, a woman held claire and i in a rec room, while the others fleed throughout the house, doing what i didnt know. Yet as time wore on i was aware we werent the only prisoners in the house, there too was a group of us, all young people, male and female being held in different rooms by different captors. Our captor was a blonde woman in her mid 20's fairly sassy, firm but also in a way understanding. She explained that there would be a series of questions given us in this room and all we had to do to save ourselves was to answer honestly. She warned that if she was able to see that we were lying within our eyes then we would be shot. In the distance there is this remote memory of a young man being used as an example of this and was shot in the head before us, but this happened more in the communal area than lets say our specific room. I remember trying to figure out in my head what these questions would be about, and whether my answers in honesty would furhter incriminate me or get me of the hook while also trying to devise a plan that would potentially save me if in fact i had to lie..how would i keep the lie from showing in my eyes, would the risk really be worth it? Each person was asked a question, all of them answered honestly and were spared. When it came to me the woman said "What were your experiences with Christianity in your early life"...Claire let out a sort of chuckle and said to the woman well your definately asking the right person that question. Yet just as i was about to answer, also perplexed these questions were of such a personal nature, a ring leader dude was summoning the captivity leaders to switch arrangements. She left the room breifly, there was some chatter amongst the captors, my mind was workign feverishly to figure out exactly what was going on here, why and what the outcome would be. When she returned, she indicated there was a change of plans but she wasn't sure what that would be so essentially indicated a period of limbo that we would just need to sit through. With her arm across the couch she casually looked back and saw the rifle pushed back there, and anxiety filled my body while trying to utter out some excuses. She smiled and said...i understand, a bunch of people break into your house and your life is threatened your going to grab a rifle". I was relieved and also perplexed about how unthreatened she was and in a way kind,, she was our captor after all. The door to our room was open i saw a lot of the boys taking their laundry out of the washers and dryers and examinign whether colors had ran, i was watching them curiously...did they break in to do their laundry? I was fascinated by examinign all the different threads and colors within their blankets. Just some commotion in the house, me drowning most of the noise out and watchign with an alertness to what exactly was going on in this house.
A young dude (also quiet kind) but being a gangsta in the pack of course, came and asked me if i could drive. I respoinded that i could and so he asked me to go with him and 2 other captors to drive them around the block. I only drove him around the block, just once, the block seemed to resemble the one i grew up on. While we were driving his kindness shgowed and he softly said to me "you are a really good driver you know". I said thanks. When we pulled up on the street close to the house again. The mob of intruders and captors were making their way around the corner. The dude that had us had a bit of panick in his voice saying he missed a direction, seemed nervous about what the result of that would be. He got us out of the car and asked us to sit on the steps of the porch while he found out what was going on. Claire and i were sitting on the steps, i wondered why in fact these guys were walking everyone in public, was their a method to it? werent they afraid of getting caught? I also wondered why claire and i were sitting on the step and not trying to make a run for it, we had the chance of course...i was busy trying to asess the risk by potential gain, our dude came running back, the group, was coming around the corner...he told us the dudes had taken some of the women into a back field to rape them. You missed that part, he said assuringly....why were we spared i wondered?
Angela has told us that when dreams don't neccessarily make sense, we could journey into them and ask for more information from the other worlds...i plan to do this...stay tuned...<3