The Waves are rocking...this boat is still afloat..

My heart is open. Painfully so. It desperately wants to close and quickly. Repeat dissappointments make me question - why keep it open? My mind whispers it's intellectual knowings..."People pass through leave their gifts and keep moving"..."Stay open, stay open...let these experiences move through you like the tides of the rivers from rocky and strong to gentle and fluid and back and forth again...stay open stay open...don't reduce things to absolutes, accept the blessings, feel the pain, allow the struggle and continue walking anyway". Two years ago while lost in the existential abyss - post the Aboriginal program, I received my spirit name and my solitary dark walk made sense. It was also the first time I admitted to myself how angry I was to be handed this walk. I am angry again. I can tell you I am not...but I am furious. I could be noble and humble and offer my empty gratitudes for these simple blessings but i am pissed at you God(ddess) for allowing me to walk humanely alone. I have been faithful to my call, I follow my instruction, I am worthy, I am deserving and yet still the sacrafice is continuously called. Speak to me about this...show me the purpose...stay with me...relieve me of the emptiness that threatens to obstruct my faithfulness. Today, your divinity is in question, although I am ashamed of that simple fact, today it is my truth and so there it is. Blessed Be...