To Feel You Again...

For those moments the violinst played, healing hands on my skin, a deep connection with a terrain that had been lost to me emerged and she began to dance again. Her movements were graceful, eloquent and poised. I could see her so clearly, transparently moving herself within the rythym, a beautiful symphony of a reunion, not yet realized event lost.

I feel as if I am a child discovering parts of myself for the first time. Yet as i approach them i am familiar with their memory. That as I move close to myself, a soft pristine solitude of union emerges. To take care....of a body that holds within it the map to my un-doing. The wild unleashing of espression with reckless abondon, gently bubbling away just beyond the surface.

Back for my routine chinese medicine appointment, i laid on the table awaiting our usual exchange about how my condition was sustaining itself, gently awaiting the quiet interjection of the needle that would open me up and let what needed to seep out. My inner thighs had swelled far more than they ever have and was informed called for a more aggressive treatment. I dis-robed, laid on my stomach and placed my face down into the head rest.

My very Chinese doctor, says very little as he discerns the direction of each session we embark on, yet i see by his eyes that he is always scanning me for changes in layers unobserved by the conditioned naked eye. I feel his commitment to addressing this source of dis-ease that has permeated me for so long in a way that is human but not attached.

I go every week never really knowing what to expect from each session or really understanding how he is choosing the treatment he is. There is a wholesome trust i am putting into his care for me, that leaves me feeling one day there will be an end in which we will both know we found our way down a long road racked with obstacles, stresses and challenges but by continuing to meet eachother in this space, we will know we have forever changed what was for me once a helpless situation.

Today was a painful session. The accupuncture needles unexpectedly were peirced directly into the abscesses causing knee jerk and sudden movements of my entire being. Dr. Zhou then proceeded with cupping, my body tensing to silently withstand the pentrating pain, the burning and heat of this tender inflammation carried with me for the last month.

When the session was over and I returned to the office, Madison commented that my entire face was red. I felt dizzy, like i had experienced a profound movement within my body, a releasing of something I didnt know i carried. After paying and waddling my way down to the parking garage, just outside of my car, i broke down and cried. I cried for the pain, but i also cried from a deeper place for no other reason then these tear drops that were gently escaping me seemed to have been stuck right there, amidst all the toxins that seemed to leak out. "Take out the toxins"..Dr Zhou kept repeating as he continued cupping. I cried for not knowing that those tears had needed to hide themselves, I cried with humble relief for their escape.

Madison and I got to Lolla's and I was set up for my Indian head massage. Her fingers grazed my skin with so tender love and care, my body wanted to react to the intimacy in a passionate way. "Oh dear body" i whispered within myself "it's okay for you to be touched gently and affectionately...it's even more okay for you to receive it. There will be no need for payback, you will not have to offer up your loincloth in receipt for a long over due sharing of nurturance".

My body did not respond in it's prickly prtective and tense manner that is custom to receiving something soft and good hearted. Instead it soaked up the embers and tunnelled within itself. It was then that I saw her. That graceful and eloquent ballarina making her way across the room, with sharpe and gentle turns to every turn of the violinist chord. It was me that was she and iwas dancing freely and phonetically aware of every aspect of myself.

It is only rare that she rises to the surface to make herself known and even then very rarely allows herself to be soo exposed. But she is not so different than the very healthy and physically in touch woman with the lovely strong body and long dreadlocks hanging over glowing skin, that i meet in my journey's to the authentic self.

As the music continues and my body continues to receive, flashes of creativity, diverse forms of expression being cracking open within me, as if secret doorways that have been closed for a long time are airing themselves out if only to be cleared. As my body expands, cleanses and detoxifies, so does my creativity and the freedom of being within what felt like a prison.

To feel you again...