Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Hold up there Horsey...

Angela and Lori of WhiteBone held a two hour time block for those who have had issues in making their tools (drums and rattles) to come in and get some assistance with fixing them up. I went in on sunday, after facing the resistance of taking apart my drum and soaking the hide again in order to be properly re-attached. As Angela was assisting me on stapling the hide round the base, she asked about my part-time job. When i told her the conditions of it, her and lori reacted with some unexpected enthusiam, while angela affirmed "your spirits are takign care of you, Erica, your definately getting what you need". I told her i was still sitting with some dissappointment about losing the other opportunity which she quickly dismissed and said "well, thats just your ego, you told me back in january you wanted a job that would help you heal...Isn't it funny that when we get close to approaching the work of doing our healing how much we attempt to get ourselves busy with other things in order to distract ourselves out". Of course, my big brain and its talents at negotiation and analysis wanted to break that one open into a full fletched break down of the different conflicts arising in me, but instead i sat with the confusion that amounted in it's landing, a sure sign i have discovered in my own walk, on something truthful landing which i would need to sort out.

The entire drive home, i ran what Angela said through all the different layers of the process i was experiencing about this especially after what felt like some crystal clear clarity the previous day in my writing on needing to build the bridge from here to there, by making some real money. IT's so funny how one new drop in the pond when mixed with everything already brewing inside can actually help one change the complete direction of the water, as opposed to receiving the drop and allowing to see if it flows in the direction of the current it already finds itself in. It is true that at some point soon, i will have to make real money in order to build a pragmatic bridge from here to there, but angelas statement "you wanted to do that after what you've just been through" brought me right back to the real recognitions i have had about what part of the inner hearth needs attending at this time. When my ego attempted to dispute with the financial concerns, Angela again brought it back, reminding me how when we tend to the inner work, to bring it in alignment with the outer goals, its amazing how we are then in a place of attracting exactly what we need to grow internally while also rooted within what needs to grow externally.

Last night i re-visited the intentions for employment that i set upon my altar when beginning the search of considering returning back to my professional work amidst the layers of trauma i was feeling from the increased sensitivity of my spirit re-awakening within the dense traumatic environments of working front line with people knee deep in sometimes catastrophic suffering while my hands remained tied although placed in a position where i was supposed to help. It sometimes makes me feel like i was a bound and gagged prisoner, watching in horror at the many desperate souls that seemed to grasp at me, but all i could do was witness them in a powerless desperation. And so, what were those intentions of attempting to meet both the needs of my trauma and of my financial concerns?

"Yet at this time, my plea in moving towards these ends is to request your assistance in ascertaining safe, sustainable and abundant employment and money. That in receiving these I may be able to adequately meet, nurture and nourish the holistic needs of my daughter and I to essentially further me on this quest. I ask that the doors that may open to me in this domain come from a place of respect, honor and inherent integrity that while i be in that space to earn an income I may do so without feeling abused, anxious, scared or that will cause further lacerations to my being. I also ask that the income produced be abundant enough to feed us adequately, nurture our bodies, provide access to resources that nurture and heal our minds and spirits. That i may go to therapy, provide madison with opportunities for her own growth/exploration of passions and more importantly that all that is given to me serve to further my purpose and in doing so be a great act of reciprocity. Finally, i ask the terms of my employment allow me to remain whole at the end of the day, deepen my ability for self-care, give time for rest, creating and in line with the schedules i require to continue being a solid parent to Madison. I trust that as this request has been made from a pure heart with the highest intentions for the good of all that you will open those doors that need to open and keep ones closed that will not serve me".

It occured to me quite quickly, that although i am still unsure of what income will be produced the terms of the employment, mainly that i will be doing something i am rather well versed at, for a very small grassroots organization that is heavily connected to the surrounding community, with a population that is not severly traumatized, working out of my home at part time hours and flexibility of scheduling is way more than i had hoped for in ensuring that there are no further lacerations, the will give me time to work around madisons schedule and afford the time to rest, create and take care of myself. Had i been given the other position that would have challenged me in many ways intellectually and intrapersonally at full time hours, although the more than adequate income would be there, my efforts at healing and self care and more importantly nurturing the small space where new creative efforts have just begun to be born may have been compromised. The spirits of place, my ancestors, helping spirits and the great mother at large had answered my call. What an abundant gift and solidification of what im working through at present, what is being born and what is yet to come, after all these are all only spaces or moments in time occuring to heal what we have come from and help us grow where we are going.

Today i will visit the anchoring tree again, to serve another offering filled with gratitude for the gifts that have been given to me. In these moments on the path, where the journey crystallizes and a bunch of meaning comes out of it, serves to remind us of how much larger these little moments of our journey are, how the plan for us is always far bigger than we can ascertain or realize in the little moments we walk along the way and ultimately helps us renew our faith and trust in all that is, regenerating what may have been lost in the winters of our life, where the bleakness and the stench of death and decay of the parts of us that are falling away makes it hard to always remember, we are always being tended to. As osho has said in my card reading yesterday...

"We may feel there are too many things to do at once, but get bogged down in trying to do a bit here, a bit there, instead of taking one task at a time and getting on with it. Or perhaps we think our task is "boring" because we've forgotten that it's not what you do but how you do it that matters.

Developing the knack of being total in responding to whatever comes, as it comes, is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Taking one step through life at a time, giving each step your complete attention and energy, can bring a wondrous new vitality and creativity to all that you do." ....

For now, this is the task before me <3

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