Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Meanderings Amore

The dude dropped in this eve, in one of his usual blaming, complaining tirades. I had been dropped into myself for enough hours prior to his arrival to not engage or usual drama's. In my work on the mat, Shadow Walker has talked lots about owning your triggers. "Triggers" he describes, "are yours, the charge fueling them is from your own emotional material, use them as a teacher". In the moments, where i've needlessly argued him in needing validation on external blaming, he would say "Erica, if there was no charge, you would be able to sit back in amusement".

Tonight, when the dude launched into the usual drama. I remained completely disengaged. The more disengaged, the angrier he became. In a mist of anger and frustration, he gathered his things and stormed for the door. I sat in silence. He returned after a few moments and said "your, just going to let me go". I told him he was an adult and could make his own decisions. But i watched in amusement.

This was one of my distractions, one that I was especially responsible for because I had been concious of it. Ken and I had enacted our drama's in our marriage unconciously, feeding into each others systems of dependency, powerlessness, power and control. When I left him, the cracks in the shell became visible and my anger at him slowly became neutralized. He had been a powerful teacher, I lhad learnt much about myself and the ways in which I engaged my emotional material in relationship, I was co-dependant. When i left, i vowed not to make the same mistake again in relationship. The system the dude and I have developed is no less co-dependant, except the energy manifests in different ways, I don't make my decisions around him, I've never disillusioned myself about the nature of the relationship, continue to live alone, am non-committed. I learned much in this relationship about the balance between staying in one's own integrity of other while honoring the self. I also saw much of my shadow. The powerless aspects of myself that had been victimized, in the reclamation of their power raged with avengence, releasing a long left un-expressed anger at men. He was in his own drama of powerlessness and blame and locked in, my system was the perfect sustenance to keep his alive. So, I was concious of my behaviors yes, but the hitch was strong. Not only did our relationship provide an outlet for my anger, our sexual relationship offered the perfect distraction. Somehow in all our suffering, projections, blame and despair, we found a way to perfectly unite on profound and beautiful levels, taking us to a glimmer of heaven in 30 minutes of bliss. That was the hitch and it would keep us at it for four years.

It has been time for me to take responsibility for that and choose differently for a long while. I haven't had the courage nor the endurance to withstand his relentless attempts to come back and i suppose as one of the final resting places of this stage of my journey was another good reason to move. I'm not superwoman, I can only manage what i can and i don't think there is shame in that. I know that it is not he or my ex's that have brought this pattern to me, but one of my threads, one of my long standing issues of this life wrapped up in just the right conditions of my early life to bring forth this journey. So, I am aware the unleashed energy will go searching and seethingly attempt in it's desperation for safety to latch on to something else. But i have different skills now and an ability to see into the internal abyss and the pace, size and length of it's waves, the way that it moves and a way to learn from it. I'll have to continue to work the process, but I need a new landscape to rebuild.

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